The mind is an enigma
Often diabolic, often blissful
Bemused illusions linger silently
Invisible questions have no answers
Yet the mind wonders
Vision is blurred
Speech is curbed by ignorance
Salvation is yet to be revealed
The eyes tell a story of a perplexed world that knows no joy or glory
The lips curve to a compelled smile
To protect or to pretend?
The mind wonders
Love is a constant dilemma
Torn between trust and faith
And the whirlpool remains
Yet to be comprehended
Deception smiles like a crooked soul, with a tainted heart
Yet the cycle continues
Is life for love or for living?
And the mind wonders, still it wonders.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Go!
“C.N.G!” I had screamed out those three letters an uncountable number of times in my life but not as insanely loudly as I had been screaming on that afternoon. I was an hour late for meeting my friends and the humidity, combined with the heat and the stagnant air felt the same as being inside a pre-heated oven. For the last 60 minutes several C.N.Gs and Cabs had come and gone and not one driver was willing to listen to me, let alone take me to Dhanmondi from Gulshan. I have tired offering them extra money, I tried pleading, yelling and not to mention begging but nothing works with these absurdly arrogant aliens who operate the green colored space ships that we all know as C.N.Gs. It was after another ten minutes that I finally found a C.N.G driver who was willing to go for Tk.80!
The long and tiring C.N.G ride, during the summer rush hour left me even more exhausted and cranky. I finally reached Dhanmondi and entered Café Mango, a place that I loathe for its annoying waiters, who lack the ability of having a normal waiter-customer interaction. To my relief, my friend Atif was already there, sipping chilled coke. He looked up at me with his usual satanic smile, which I always find confusing and weird and said “Nicee!”
I realized I was completely soaked in perspiration and that was the basis of his comment. I sat at his table for a while, finishing off the rest of his coke. After I was done I dragged Atif out of Mango with me as fast as I could. We sauntered around for another five minutes on the street outside Mango, waiting for our other friend Aumiya to show up, who was surprisingly punctual. Aumiya wasn’t in her best mood that evening and neither was I, which wasn’t hard to capture from our disturbed faces while Atif still had the awkward smile on his face.
The reason for our meeting that day was to run a couple of errands. Only a few days earlier the Care-taker Government had imposed the new rule of having all shopping malls and other stores closed by 7pm with the exception of restaurants and drug stores. It was already 4:30pm and we had to go to Elephant Road, come back to Green Road and finally go to Rifles Square. Hence, we had to get everything done by 7pm and not a minute later.
At first we headed towards Elephant Road. I needed to buy new sunglasses and although Elephant Road was the last place I preferred for shopping, I just couldn’t afford to buy more sunglasses from Navana at Tk.500 each.
We hired two rickshaws, Aumiya and I on one and Atif on the other. Halfway to Elephant Road, we couldn’t trace Atif’s rickshaw behind us and had no idea of how to reach Elephant Road; apparently neither did our rickshaw-puller. Annoyed, I called Atif on his cell phone and to my disgust he told me he got caught up with a long lost friend who he had suddenly met and would catch up with us in 10-15 minutes.
As time was passing by, the scorching sun was not getting any kinder but seemed to be glaring down on us with its eyes of fire. With the help of several strangers we finally reached Elephant Road. Atif’s 15 minutes had transformed to 25. When he finally showed up, it was already 5:15pm and we were infuriated. Instead of yelling at him and ruining more time, we all went in search of cheap sunglasses.
I do not shop often, but when I do I make sure I buy something I love and I happen to be a very picky shopper. It took me another hour to literally browse through every single store in Elephant Road, failing to like any of the sunglasses they had to offer. Being sarcastic and making fun of the grotesque sunglasses that the stores had on display, was our only entertainment. Time was running out and I was constantly blaming myself for coming all the way to Elephant Road, which obviously wasn’t the best idea. Eventually I bought two sunglasses at Tk.200 each that I didn’t have any strong feelings towards but they weren’t completely hideous. The sun had finally begun to give in to the evening sky and the heat was getting bearable, making it a little easier for us to roam around.
Next stop was Green Road, where Aumiya had to get her picture taken for her passport. We needed to go to her place at Indira Road first, since we were a little short of cash. No rickshaws would go from elephant Road to Green Road but fortunately we managed to hire a black cab just as we were on the verge of losing our minds. The clock was ticking and a rush of excitement was flowing through our veins like tidal waves. Despite the constant tension, we couldn’t help but admit to ourselves that this was turning out to be a fun day. After picking up the money, we made it to the studio to get the pictures taken.
Another 15 minutes were spent on taking the pictures and thankfully, the cabbie agreed to wait all this while, unlike most cabbies of the city. It was 6:30pm when we started out for Riffles Square, where Atif had to exchange a DVD. However, to our dismay there was a disastrous traffic jam at Panthapath with the traffic hardly moving. Another 10 minutes passed by with the traffic moving at the same pace as a tortoise when abruptly the road cleared ahead and all the cars shot through, taking us by surprise.
We all sat tight in silence as the cabbie took us for a wild ride through the streets to Riffles Square. I wasn’t exactly supportive of his reckless driving but I thought it was better not to object than to reach Riffles Square and find it closed. The cab came to a screeching halt in front of Riffles Square, almost throwing us off our seats. It was minutes before 7pm and I hurriedly paid off the cab. We ran all the way to the 3rd floor of Riffles Square to the DVD section. Atif went to his DVD store to exchange the disc, while Aumiya and I stood at a corner panting heavily for breath.
While disembarking from the elevator of Riffles Square we were all stressed out from being on the constant run for the last almost 3 hours. Somehow we were all smiling. It was a smile of accomplishment; the one warriors have on their faces after they have come back from war. No matter how trivial our errands were, we had won the race against time and it felt great! After hanging out for another 30 minutes, we all headed back to our homes but not before we swore to each other to go on another crazy ride like this again!
The long and tiring C.N.G ride, during the summer rush hour left me even more exhausted and cranky. I finally reached Dhanmondi and entered Café Mango, a place that I loathe for its annoying waiters, who lack the ability of having a normal waiter-customer interaction. To my relief, my friend Atif was already there, sipping chilled coke. He looked up at me with his usual satanic smile, which I always find confusing and weird and said “Nicee!”
I realized I was completely soaked in perspiration and that was the basis of his comment. I sat at his table for a while, finishing off the rest of his coke. After I was done I dragged Atif out of Mango with me as fast as I could. We sauntered around for another five minutes on the street outside Mango, waiting for our other friend Aumiya to show up, who was surprisingly punctual. Aumiya wasn’t in her best mood that evening and neither was I, which wasn’t hard to capture from our disturbed faces while Atif still had the awkward smile on his face.
The reason for our meeting that day was to run a couple of errands. Only a few days earlier the Care-taker Government had imposed the new rule of having all shopping malls and other stores closed by 7pm with the exception of restaurants and drug stores. It was already 4:30pm and we had to go to Elephant Road, come back to Green Road and finally go to Rifles Square. Hence, we had to get everything done by 7pm and not a minute later.
At first we headed towards Elephant Road. I needed to buy new sunglasses and although Elephant Road was the last place I preferred for shopping, I just couldn’t afford to buy more sunglasses from Navana at Tk.500 each.
We hired two rickshaws, Aumiya and I on one and Atif on the other. Halfway to Elephant Road, we couldn’t trace Atif’s rickshaw behind us and had no idea of how to reach Elephant Road; apparently neither did our rickshaw-puller. Annoyed, I called Atif on his cell phone and to my disgust he told me he got caught up with a long lost friend who he had suddenly met and would catch up with us in 10-15 minutes.
As time was passing by, the scorching sun was not getting any kinder but seemed to be glaring down on us with its eyes of fire. With the help of several strangers we finally reached Elephant Road. Atif’s 15 minutes had transformed to 25. When he finally showed up, it was already 5:15pm and we were infuriated. Instead of yelling at him and ruining more time, we all went in search of cheap sunglasses.
I do not shop often, but when I do I make sure I buy something I love and I happen to be a very picky shopper. It took me another hour to literally browse through every single store in Elephant Road, failing to like any of the sunglasses they had to offer. Being sarcastic and making fun of the grotesque sunglasses that the stores had on display, was our only entertainment. Time was running out and I was constantly blaming myself for coming all the way to Elephant Road, which obviously wasn’t the best idea. Eventually I bought two sunglasses at Tk.200 each that I didn’t have any strong feelings towards but they weren’t completely hideous. The sun had finally begun to give in to the evening sky and the heat was getting bearable, making it a little easier for us to roam around.
Next stop was Green Road, where Aumiya had to get her picture taken for her passport. We needed to go to her place at Indira Road first, since we were a little short of cash. No rickshaws would go from elephant Road to Green Road but fortunately we managed to hire a black cab just as we were on the verge of losing our minds. The clock was ticking and a rush of excitement was flowing through our veins like tidal waves. Despite the constant tension, we couldn’t help but admit to ourselves that this was turning out to be a fun day. After picking up the money, we made it to the studio to get the pictures taken.
Another 15 minutes were spent on taking the pictures and thankfully, the cabbie agreed to wait all this while, unlike most cabbies of the city. It was 6:30pm when we started out for Riffles Square, where Atif had to exchange a DVD. However, to our dismay there was a disastrous traffic jam at Panthapath with the traffic hardly moving. Another 10 minutes passed by with the traffic moving at the same pace as a tortoise when abruptly the road cleared ahead and all the cars shot through, taking us by surprise.
We all sat tight in silence as the cabbie took us for a wild ride through the streets to Riffles Square. I wasn’t exactly supportive of his reckless driving but I thought it was better not to object than to reach Riffles Square and find it closed. The cab came to a screeching halt in front of Riffles Square, almost throwing us off our seats. It was minutes before 7pm and I hurriedly paid off the cab. We ran all the way to the 3rd floor of Riffles Square to the DVD section. Atif went to his DVD store to exchange the disc, while Aumiya and I stood at a corner panting heavily for breath.
While disembarking from the elevator of Riffles Square we were all stressed out from being on the constant run for the last almost 3 hours. Somehow we were all smiling. It was a smile of accomplishment; the one warriors have on their faces after they have come back from war. No matter how trivial our errands were, we had won the race against time and it felt great! After hanging out for another 30 minutes, we all headed back to our homes but not before we swore to each other to go on another crazy ride like this again!
Paralyzed
Silence lingered in the doorway
As another bullet shot through him
His world spinning inside his head
As darkness fell upon him
Winter seemed to arrive soon
And he was numb and cold;
Blood poured from his chest
Like a flowing river, never jaded
He lay there motionless in an ocean of red
As she stared at him in disbelief
The newspaper slid from her hands
Her mind reeling and bemused
Horror seemed to have clutched her by the throat
And it was hard to breathe
A drop of silvery tear rolled down her cheek
Followed by an eternal flow
Of memories that are too vivid, too painful
The son wiped away her tears,
Twenty seven years later
He still haunted her mind, too real, too wounding
She smiled in pain, as she greeted him with white roses
The son took her hand, and she fought to fight back the tears
He stared back at them in silence
Weeping inside of him,
He was no more.
As another bullet shot through him
His world spinning inside his head
As darkness fell upon him
Winter seemed to arrive soon
And he was numb and cold;
Blood poured from his chest
Like a flowing river, never jaded
He lay there motionless in an ocean of red
As she stared at him in disbelief
The newspaper slid from her hands
Her mind reeling and bemused
Horror seemed to have clutched her by the throat
And it was hard to breathe
A drop of silvery tear rolled down her cheek
Followed by an eternal flow
Of memories that are too vivid, too painful
The son wiped away her tears,
Twenty seven years later
He still haunted her mind, too real, too wounding
She smiled in pain, as she greeted him with white roses
The son took her hand, and she fought to fight back the tears
He stared back at them in silence
Weeping inside of him,
He was no more.
Whatever Happened to Innocent Fun?
“Pillow Passing!” the instant someone would scream out those two words, a rush of excitement would race through the air, several eager pair of eyes would look at each other with sheer joy and the children would begin to make a circle to play the much anticipated game. This would have taken place several years ago in our lives when we were merely children and “Pillow Passing” along with several other such games were able to bring immense pleasure to our little hearts. As time went by and the beginning of the teen years came along, there were more mature games for us to play like “Truth or Dare” and various board games which include “Monoploy” and “Scrabble”. These were able to quench our thirst for something entertaining to do indoors. Needless to say that football and cricket have always had their share of great appeal towards teenagers (and adults alike) esp. boys, although that doesn’t completely rule out the option of girls playing such competitive sports or their interest in them.
All of the activities mentioned above were our idea of ‘fun’ or if I may rephrase that at this age “innocent fun” .As we have just ended our journey of the much hectic, delightful and at times horrendous teen years, we are faced with a pretty palpable truth - Innocent fun does not exist anymore. It shouldn’t be misconstrued that I would still prefer to play “Pillow Passing” with my friends! We all have matured into young people and of course such games do not appeal to us any longer and that is the norm. But what happened to plain innocent fun?
The only escape for most people our age from today’s busy schedule of going to college, doing part-time jobs etc, would have to be hanging out with friends. It is easy for us to realize that each other’s company or just watching a movie, fails to generate the same rush we used to experience while playing “Truth Or Dare” when we were younger. The answer lies in smoking, doing occasional drugs, boozing, clubbing and in some cases one night stands. I should probably mention that I’m not against any of the activities mentioned, as the previous statement would have you believe. In fact, I would consider myself to be one of them, but often I cant help but ponder as to what happened to the days of innocent fun, when we would just hang out, enjoy each other’s company and laugh at one another’s silly, maybe sarcastic jokes that made no sense but still cracked us up!
It was in last summer that I had an experience, which changed my perception of the existence of this so-called ‘innocent fun’. It was during my vacation and my friends and I had reached a state of boredom that would have left us deformed or turned us into grotesque retarded mutants (like most bored teenagers of our country). We abruptly decided to go for a boat ride on one of the local boats that one can find in several lakes across Dhaka. Daily workers mostly avail them to reach from one side of the river to the other, given that the lake has slums on the other side where these people live.
It was a tranquil afternoon and the weather was almost impeccable with warm sunshine and smooth summer zephyrs that felt like giant hugs. Four friends and I hired one such boat for Tk. 60 an hour. It was in the little lake right beside Gulshan-1, next to The Aristocrat Restaurant, and it led all the way to Banani. The lake was somewhat clean then, as opposed to the huge amount of garbage that can be seen to be floating all over now. The narrow lake had slums on one side of it and tall sky scrapes dominated the other. Watching the people in the slums washing their clothes and small children bathing themselves almost made us feel like we were taking a boat ride in some far away village, but the view on the side was there to shoot us right back to reality. It was so peaceful, that for a moment we all became quiet without realizing it and just tried to soak in the beauty of serenity and nature around us, it felt wonderful.
We had my guitar with us and although I couldn’t play much except for the intro to “Wake me up when September ends” I had to let one of my friends play it, and we sang our hearts out all the way. Occasional birds would fly out of nowhere and sit on one of the several electric cables that ran from one side of the lake to the other. We were stunned and amused at the same time by their presence, since we had never seen such species of birds before in the city. However, the most surprising of all was to see an eagle glaring at us while sitting comfortably on a tall bamboo stick that stood up from the middle of the lake.
After about 30 minutes on the boat, the zephyrs began to turn into strong winds and there was a slight drizzle, which soon transformed into pretty heavy rainfall. Panic-stricken as we were, since none of us knew how to swim, we almost couldn’t contain ourselves with excitement, because the rain brought a whole new sense of adventure to our boat ride and it was exhilarating! The best part however came along shortly after the rain stopped in approximately 10 minutes time. To our utter surprise and amazement, a huge rainbow appeared across the afternoon sky in an extraordinary fashion that dazzled us in a way we couldn’t have imagined before. It was probably the largest rainbow we had ever witnessed and to see it while being on a boat was simply mesmerizing! After taking several pictures and singing several other songs with our distorted vocal chords, we returned back to the busy street from where we had begun.
It was after this particular incident that I got to realize that innocent fun had not vaporized, it was still to be found, maybe a little lost in the midst of the smoky flashy dance floors or the disturbing odor of weed but if we searched for it we could still retrieve the days of innocent fun. The inviting world of gadgets and glamour that seem too irresistible cannot provide us with the true zest for life that we all deserve to experience.
All of the activities mentioned above were our idea of ‘fun’ or if I may rephrase that at this age “innocent fun” .As we have just ended our journey of the much hectic, delightful and at times horrendous teen years, we are faced with a pretty palpable truth - Innocent fun does not exist anymore. It shouldn’t be misconstrued that I would still prefer to play “Pillow Passing” with my friends! We all have matured into young people and of course such games do not appeal to us any longer and that is the norm. But what happened to plain innocent fun?
The only escape for most people our age from today’s busy schedule of going to college, doing part-time jobs etc, would have to be hanging out with friends. It is easy for us to realize that each other’s company or just watching a movie, fails to generate the same rush we used to experience while playing “Truth Or Dare” when we were younger. The answer lies in smoking, doing occasional drugs, boozing, clubbing and in some cases one night stands. I should probably mention that I’m not against any of the activities mentioned, as the previous statement would have you believe. In fact, I would consider myself to be one of them, but often I cant help but ponder as to what happened to the days of innocent fun, when we would just hang out, enjoy each other’s company and laugh at one another’s silly, maybe sarcastic jokes that made no sense but still cracked us up!
It was in last summer that I had an experience, which changed my perception of the existence of this so-called ‘innocent fun’. It was during my vacation and my friends and I had reached a state of boredom that would have left us deformed or turned us into grotesque retarded mutants (like most bored teenagers of our country). We abruptly decided to go for a boat ride on one of the local boats that one can find in several lakes across Dhaka. Daily workers mostly avail them to reach from one side of the river to the other, given that the lake has slums on the other side where these people live.
It was a tranquil afternoon and the weather was almost impeccable with warm sunshine and smooth summer zephyrs that felt like giant hugs. Four friends and I hired one such boat for Tk. 60 an hour. It was in the little lake right beside Gulshan-1, next to The Aristocrat Restaurant, and it led all the way to Banani. The lake was somewhat clean then, as opposed to the huge amount of garbage that can be seen to be floating all over now. The narrow lake had slums on one side of it and tall sky scrapes dominated the other. Watching the people in the slums washing their clothes and small children bathing themselves almost made us feel like we were taking a boat ride in some far away village, but the view on the side was there to shoot us right back to reality. It was so peaceful, that for a moment we all became quiet without realizing it and just tried to soak in the beauty of serenity and nature around us, it felt wonderful.
We had my guitar with us and although I couldn’t play much except for the intro to “Wake me up when September ends” I had to let one of my friends play it, and we sang our hearts out all the way. Occasional birds would fly out of nowhere and sit on one of the several electric cables that ran from one side of the lake to the other. We were stunned and amused at the same time by their presence, since we had never seen such species of birds before in the city. However, the most surprising of all was to see an eagle glaring at us while sitting comfortably on a tall bamboo stick that stood up from the middle of the lake.
After about 30 minutes on the boat, the zephyrs began to turn into strong winds and there was a slight drizzle, which soon transformed into pretty heavy rainfall. Panic-stricken as we were, since none of us knew how to swim, we almost couldn’t contain ourselves with excitement, because the rain brought a whole new sense of adventure to our boat ride and it was exhilarating! The best part however came along shortly after the rain stopped in approximately 10 minutes time. To our utter surprise and amazement, a huge rainbow appeared across the afternoon sky in an extraordinary fashion that dazzled us in a way we couldn’t have imagined before. It was probably the largest rainbow we had ever witnessed and to see it while being on a boat was simply mesmerizing! After taking several pictures and singing several other songs with our distorted vocal chords, we returned back to the busy street from where we had begun.
It was after this particular incident that I got to realize that innocent fun had not vaporized, it was still to be found, maybe a little lost in the midst of the smoky flashy dance floors or the disturbing odor of weed but if we searched for it we could still retrieve the days of innocent fun. The inviting world of gadgets and glamour that seem too irresistible cannot provide us with the true zest for life that we all deserve to experience.
The Torn Apart Biped
You are impassive and bleak
Weeping in the dark, in the midst of unknown dangers
Away from the world
Hidden in the cold that made you so numb
All the memories of pain entangled in your brain, hard to efface
It seems like you’re alone
And your world is painted with the darkest shade of blue
Your terrified soul finds no rest
Burning away in a crimson flame
With not a single drop of silver to heal the burning
The burning of pain
And its hard too clam down
You wish you were a bird
You could spread your wings and fly away into the blue
But that’s just a dream
A dream only you can make real
Just reach for it and you’ll know it’s yours
It’s hard to quell your emotions but it’s worth a try
You finally get to know the world so selfish and proud
And you so humble and helpless
Cannot find any shelter from the cruelty
You are not the only one in this mess that is killing you from within
There are others crying in the dark with you
Crying for the eternal freedom that they crave for
Crying for peace, for shelter, for love
Wipe away your tears now and come out in the light
Discover the world full of exquisite wonders
Which remained as an enigma to you
I’ll be there for you
Whether you know it or not
I’ll be right beside you
Guiding you, consoling you and giving you strength
Solace yourself and reach out for that lightIn the end you’ll find the world is not all that bad
Weeping in the dark, in the midst of unknown dangers
Away from the world
Hidden in the cold that made you so numb
All the memories of pain entangled in your brain, hard to efface
It seems like you’re alone
And your world is painted with the darkest shade of blue
Your terrified soul finds no rest
Burning away in a crimson flame
With not a single drop of silver to heal the burning
The burning of pain
And its hard too clam down
You wish you were a bird
You could spread your wings and fly away into the blue
But that’s just a dream
A dream only you can make real
Just reach for it and you’ll know it’s yours
It’s hard to quell your emotions but it’s worth a try
You finally get to know the world so selfish and proud
And you so humble and helpless
Cannot find any shelter from the cruelty
You are not the only one in this mess that is killing you from within
There are others crying in the dark with you
Crying for the eternal freedom that they crave for
Crying for peace, for shelter, for love
Wipe away your tears now and come out in the light
Discover the world full of exquisite wonders
Which remained as an enigma to you
I’ll be there for you
Whether you know it or not
I’ll be right beside you
Guiding you, consoling you and giving you strength
Solace yourself and reach out for that lightIn the end you’ll find the world is not all that bad
The Auburn Sky
The auburn sky was getting gloomy. Distant clouds traversed the sky ingeniously while a gentle breeze wandered around. She sat near the riverbank alone, studying the water running by without a worry. Her luminous brown eyes stared into some unknown space, her disheveled hair tied in an untidy knot above her head. The memories came flooding back to her like tidal waves crashing onto the shore. In her 14 years of life she had never felt so alone, so helpless.
Her father’s voice still echoed in her head, the words piercing through her soul. Her mother’s face soaked in tears created a picture in her mind that was hard to efface.
Her whole life seemed to be flashing in front of her eyes and she tried to quell the emotions that had bundled up and were about to erupt like a volcano.
The breeze was getting stronger now and the memories kept coming back.
Mina was the only child of her parents, living in the small village of Comilla. The family owned a shabby two-roomed cottage; her father was a fishmonger and her mother stayed home all day, often cleaning the house or cooking. Money was never abundant in the family, unlike her mother’s love for her, who always treated her like a little princess in her own little ways. Her mother would make her little dolls out of old weathered pieces of cloth, stitched together and would always cook her daughter’s favorite meals whenever she would get the opportunity. Mina’s amiable and modest nature earned her the affection of her teachers and neighbors who adored her.
Despite all the love she got, Mina had a constant aching in her heart that haunted her, night and day.
Ever since Mina was old enough to be aware of her surroundings, she developed a tiny void in her heart. She had never gotten to know her father. He had built an icy exterior around himself, which was never to be penetrated especially not by his daughter. Mina feared his arrogance and inexplicable temper, and was tremendously intimidated by him. Even as a young child she could comprehend that her father was completely indifferent towards her and would detest any initiative taken by her to make conversations with him. Once she had asked her mother
“Amma, why does Abba hate me?”
Her mother looked alarmed and instantly put on a awkward smile and replied saying,
“Oh dear, Your Abba doesn’t hate you, who told you that?”
“Well...he never talks to me”
“He is just very busy, he loves you more than I do”
She smiled again reassuringly and ran her hand across Mina’s forehead.
Mina was not to be fooled and it wasn’t long before she was hit by the truth.
It was a cold winter afternoon and the air felt like iced water. Mina was 8 years old then and on that particular Tuesday, was sent back home early from school. She ran all the way home in the bitter weather. As the ecstatic little girl was about to enter the house, she heard voices coming from inside and stopped. Her father was yelling at the top of his voice and she could hear her mother crying.
“It is all your fault! You gave birth to a girl, and I am ashamed to even show my face in public!”
The words hit her like a dagger, cutting through deep into her flesh. Terrified, She ran away from the house and wandered around till it was the usual time for her to come back home from school. She had finally learned the reason for her father’s total disregard of her existence. She did not cry and neither did she hate her father. She wanted him to love her; she wanted him to see that she was no less than a son. She wanted to belong.
When she returned, everything was calm; her father had left and her mother was quietly weeping at the corner of the room sitting on her bed. When she saw Mina, she was a little taken aback, managed a forced smile and wiped her eyes.
“I had a really bad headache”
Even if she hadn’t known the truth, Mina would still know that her mother was lying. The sorrow in her eyes was inevitable.
From that day onwards, Mina worked hard at school and did as much of the house chores as she possibly could. All for a little appreciation from her father, maybe just a vague smile. Knowing that her father loathed her, she still tried her best to trigger a little bit of emotion in her father’s unyielding heart but in vain.
Years passed by like silent nights and Mina never expressed the pain she felt, it was all safely locked up in her little heart, never to be revealed.
It was early in the morning today, right after dawn, when Mina was awoken by loud voices booming inside her room like satanic demons flying about. Confused and a little panic-stricken, she slowly got up from her bed and almost soundlessly made her way to the tiny opening of her shattered room that led to the adjoining room of her parents. The girl was trembling in fear, as the voices got louder by each step she took. Her heart pounding heavily, she peeked inside the room. To her horror, she saw her father standing at the far end of the room with a huge bamboo stick in his right hand, constantly swearing and yelling, his enraged face had turned red.
Her mother lay on the floor, on the other side of the room, sobbing uncontrollably. Her hair spread all across her face, like a lunatic. Little drops of blood trickled down from her arms and cheeks, from where the bamboo stick had smashed into her.
Her father was still yelling, like an obscene monster whose hunger was yet to be satisfied. The bitter words spoken, passed by like a blurry train to Mina and she couldn’t capture the words. What she was seeing was too appalling for her to absorb. Eventually the words seemed to make sense to her.
“I’m leaving, I’ll go to the City for a job. You can go where ever you want with your daughter!”
“Please...Please..don’t leave us. Where shall we go? This is my home!” The words were almost inaudible through her sobbing.
“I don’t care! You gave birth to a daughter and now I’m cursed!”
Mina could no longer bear to listen to what her father had yet to say. She ran, she ran as fast as her legs would allow her, trying to run away from the words, from the blame. She stopped right next to the river, numerous thoughts racing through her head.
“Had she not tried to be a good daughter?”
“Is gender all that it takes to please a father, or to make a good human being?”
She couldn’t answer her own questions.
It had been hours since she sat by the secluded river. A sudden drop of tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. It was the first time she had cried. She looked up at the night sky; the moon had silently crept into the sky and seemed to stare back at her inquisitively. She smiled back, numb on the inside.
A new day was to begin from tomorrow. A new struggle. A new phase of life. She took one last look at the celestial moon, beaming proudly, and started back towards home. What other wondrous surprises does life have in store for me? She wondered as she carelessly walked through the muddy road.
Her father’s voice still echoed in her head, the words piercing through her soul. Her mother’s face soaked in tears created a picture in her mind that was hard to efface.
Her whole life seemed to be flashing in front of her eyes and she tried to quell the emotions that had bundled up and were about to erupt like a volcano.
The breeze was getting stronger now and the memories kept coming back.
Mina was the only child of her parents, living in the small village of Comilla. The family owned a shabby two-roomed cottage; her father was a fishmonger and her mother stayed home all day, often cleaning the house or cooking. Money was never abundant in the family, unlike her mother’s love for her, who always treated her like a little princess in her own little ways. Her mother would make her little dolls out of old weathered pieces of cloth, stitched together and would always cook her daughter’s favorite meals whenever she would get the opportunity. Mina’s amiable and modest nature earned her the affection of her teachers and neighbors who adored her.
Despite all the love she got, Mina had a constant aching in her heart that haunted her, night and day.
Ever since Mina was old enough to be aware of her surroundings, she developed a tiny void in her heart. She had never gotten to know her father. He had built an icy exterior around himself, which was never to be penetrated especially not by his daughter. Mina feared his arrogance and inexplicable temper, and was tremendously intimidated by him. Even as a young child she could comprehend that her father was completely indifferent towards her and would detest any initiative taken by her to make conversations with him. Once she had asked her mother
“Amma, why does Abba hate me?”
Her mother looked alarmed and instantly put on a awkward smile and replied saying,
“Oh dear, Your Abba doesn’t hate you, who told you that?”
“Well...he never talks to me”
“He is just very busy, he loves you more than I do”
She smiled again reassuringly and ran her hand across Mina’s forehead.
Mina was not to be fooled and it wasn’t long before she was hit by the truth.
It was a cold winter afternoon and the air felt like iced water. Mina was 8 years old then and on that particular Tuesday, was sent back home early from school. She ran all the way home in the bitter weather. As the ecstatic little girl was about to enter the house, she heard voices coming from inside and stopped. Her father was yelling at the top of his voice and she could hear her mother crying.
“It is all your fault! You gave birth to a girl, and I am ashamed to even show my face in public!”
The words hit her like a dagger, cutting through deep into her flesh. Terrified, She ran away from the house and wandered around till it was the usual time for her to come back home from school. She had finally learned the reason for her father’s total disregard of her existence. She did not cry and neither did she hate her father. She wanted him to love her; she wanted him to see that she was no less than a son. She wanted to belong.
When she returned, everything was calm; her father had left and her mother was quietly weeping at the corner of the room sitting on her bed. When she saw Mina, she was a little taken aback, managed a forced smile and wiped her eyes.
“I had a really bad headache”
Even if she hadn’t known the truth, Mina would still know that her mother was lying. The sorrow in her eyes was inevitable.
From that day onwards, Mina worked hard at school and did as much of the house chores as she possibly could. All for a little appreciation from her father, maybe just a vague smile. Knowing that her father loathed her, she still tried her best to trigger a little bit of emotion in her father’s unyielding heart but in vain.
Years passed by like silent nights and Mina never expressed the pain she felt, it was all safely locked up in her little heart, never to be revealed.
It was early in the morning today, right after dawn, when Mina was awoken by loud voices booming inside her room like satanic demons flying about. Confused and a little panic-stricken, she slowly got up from her bed and almost soundlessly made her way to the tiny opening of her shattered room that led to the adjoining room of her parents. The girl was trembling in fear, as the voices got louder by each step she took. Her heart pounding heavily, she peeked inside the room. To her horror, she saw her father standing at the far end of the room with a huge bamboo stick in his right hand, constantly swearing and yelling, his enraged face had turned red.
Her mother lay on the floor, on the other side of the room, sobbing uncontrollably. Her hair spread all across her face, like a lunatic. Little drops of blood trickled down from her arms and cheeks, from where the bamboo stick had smashed into her.
Her father was still yelling, like an obscene monster whose hunger was yet to be satisfied. The bitter words spoken, passed by like a blurry train to Mina and she couldn’t capture the words. What she was seeing was too appalling for her to absorb. Eventually the words seemed to make sense to her.
“I’m leaving, I’ll go to the City for a job. You can go where ever you want with your daughter!”
“Please...Please..don’t leave us. Where shall we go? This is my home!” The words were almost inaudible through her sobbing.
“I don’t care! You gave birth to a daughter and now I’m cursed!”
Mina could no longer bear to listen to what her father had yet to say. She ran, she ran as fast as her legs would allow her, trying to run away from the words, from the blame. She stopped right next to the river, numerous thoughts racing through her head.
“Had she not tried to be a good daughter?”
“Is gender all that it takes to please a father, or to make a good human being?”
She couldn’t answer her own questions.
It had been hours since she sat by the secluded river. A sudden drop of tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. It was the first time she had cried. She looked up at the night sky; the moon had silently crept into the sky and seemed to stare back at her inquisitively. She smiled back, numb on the inside.
A new day was to begin from tomorrow. A new struggle. A new phase of life. She took one last look at the celestial moon, beaming proudly, and started back towards home. What other wondrous surprises does life have in store for me? She wondered as she carelessly walked through the muddy road.
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